RANDOM JOKES


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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".


His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at Walgreens Drug Store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And, it only costs $10.00."


Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ...with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And, if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better........



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He's not mine?

One night a father put his son to bed, told him a story and listened to his prayers, which his son ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." The father didn't pay attention since he too, was tired that night.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, as he walk past his son's room, he heard his son praying which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day, the grandmother died! What a wicked gift!, thought the man. My son can predict our family's death.

Several weeks later, while double checking if all the doors in his house were locked, He again, heard his son praying "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He did everything with caution. He took the stairs in slow pace, check his car twice for any problems that might cause accident. Drove slowly while going into the office. took the stairs instead of the elevator. Cancelled and avoided meetings, he felt unsecured or hazardous and meeting people who looked vicious. He ate less than his regular diet consumption. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

when he gets home he says,"Honey, you wouldn't believe of what I'm gonna tell you of what seems to be the strangest thing that have ever happened in my entire life." The wife turns at him and says," You think you're the only one that has the strangest thing that ever occur?! I found the mailman dead on the porch."


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3 daughters got married together and went on honeymoon

Mom tells her daughters to text her how their honeymoon was going by naming a "brand". 

1st daughters' text : 'NESCAFE'

Mom checks out Nescafe ad
It read
'GOOD TO THE LAST DROP'
Mom smiles

2nd daughter's text 'BENSON and HEDGES'
Mom checks out the ad
It read 'KING SIZE, EXTRA LONG'
Mom smiles again

3rd daughter's text 'BRITISH AIRWAYS'

Mom checks out British Airways ad which reads -
'3 TIMES DAILY,
7 DAYS A WEEK,
BOTH WAYS'
Mom FAINTS


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A boy was very sad in his class…

The teacher asked the boy, “What is your problem?”

The boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than

she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal’s office.

While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3 ?”

Boy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6 ?”

Boy: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade. ”

Teacher says to the principal, ” I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?”

The principal and the boy both agreed.

Teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of and that I have only two of?

Boy: After a moment, ” Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy: ” Pockets ”

Teacher: ” What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish

liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Isko was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Boy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some” Who am I ” sort of questions, Okay?

Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me

first..

The principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Jack Daniel peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a ‘ F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Teacher: What starts with a ‘ F ‘ and ends in ‘K ‘ and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It’s longer on some men, than others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

Boy: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, and is responsible for making love ?

Boy: HEART

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Teacher:

“Send this Boy to Harvard University !! Even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

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Brokeback Mountain – Deputy Edition

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he's got a well known reputation for snoring  and since it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn't get any sleep."
The following night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he's so loud. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. Said he wasn't gonna put up with any snoring... "We'll see!" said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning, wonderful day outside isn't it?" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn't snore a bit, hehe."

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Are Computers Male or Female?



A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.


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What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.Taxi
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!
Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
  • HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
  • HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
  • HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
  • HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
  • HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"
The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."


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Embarrassing Medical Exams (Submitted By Doctors)


Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MII was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withone of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying anew one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San FranciscoA man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her babyin the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.'
Submitted By An RN (No Name)
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WAAt the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I Instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
And, finally...
Dr. Wouldn't Submit His Name
As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner''.

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American, Canadian And A Jew In Heaven

On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.

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Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven


It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....

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Married Bar Talk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

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Sunday School Lesson
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!

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